


Don't Impress Me

by AwatereJones



Series: Walter Verse [26]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Awkward Dates, Blind Date, Comedy, Cringe, Drama, F/M, First Dates, Gen, M/M, Prequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-06-09 11:38:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15266679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwatereJones/pseuds/AwatereJones
Summary: I did the Shania Twain song 'Don't Impress Me Much' in my Songs of the Hub set and decided to make it about Ianto and JAck's dating before they found one another.I was asked to expand it so here it is while I fiddle with the next insallment. Just a bit of silliness, only 8 chaps but thought it might be better than cold turkey for yas.





	1. Chapter 1

 

**So, this was one of the chapters in my Songs of the Hub one-shots. I was asked to expand the story so now we will have a little fun while I sort out the next Walter. Of course it's the Shania Twain song that inspired this.**

**This is set before the start of Walter Verse … like a Prequel?**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

"Seriously?" Owen asked with surprise, "I thought you two would hit it off no probs."

"He was such a know-it-all" Jack sighed "Would you believe he actually quoted fucking Shakespeare?"

"Really" Owen sighed as he shook his head, he worried that Jack would never find someone.

"Shakespeare" Jack repeated with horror, "Not exactly a cuddly thing either with that skinny body, that look of distain and this suit that was…was…. Gods. I can't stand someone who is a bloody walking factorum"

.

.

.

.

"So … what was wrong with this one then?" Tosh asked as she watched Ianto coo and cluck while he settled Walter on the sofa for a little sleep.

"Oh gods, date from hell!" Ianto sighed as he looked over at her with a roll of his eyes "I'm telling ya … so vain. Kept going to the loo and coming back with different hair styles, I shit you not little one, it was scary. A reflection in the pepper and salt shakers sent her into some sort of lovefest, I swear. She almost creamed herself when she saw herself in the glass windows as we rose to leave."

"Bum"

"Yeah, that wasn't much either" Ianto frowned then sighed, "I could never be with someone who checked out their own reflection in fucking windows. I almost put a towel in the seat before she got into the car for fear of her marking the leather. Must have been like a snail trail, I'm still too scared to look. I can't stand openly randy people."

.

.

.

.

"So?" John watched Jack stalk about his apartment like a caged animal.

"Well OK, it was a nice car, an Austin Martin like a James Bond thing … Jesus wept. I was scared to touch the bloody door handle for fear of marking it and I shit you not, she ran around rubbing it down once I got in."

"Woman likes cars, nice to see a woman having pride in her wheels" John said calmly as Jack turned to face him.

"John, come on. Can you imagine me with someone so stuck up that they love their vehicle? Give it a fucking name like a pet?" Jack snorted.

John grimaced.

He was never getting laid was he.

.

.

.

.

"Come on, there has to be someone out there for you" Tosh argued as Rhiannon nodded her agreement, Walter sitting in her lap playing with her beads.

"Oh come on, they are either taken or gay" Ianto sighed, both women laughing at the way Ianto was glaring at the cup of tea he had just poured, "Maybe I should go to the dark side instead of just taking the shade now and then."

"Oh come on, the only fella you only had a thing for was Elvis!" Rhiannon laughed, "And he was bloody dead already. Necrophilia that is."

"Gay necrophilia, an entirely new level of hell for us darlink" Ianto camped as they all laughed at his silliness.

Ianto and his love of Elvis, especially that hip thrust.

.

.

.

.

"Come on Jack, it's not that bad" Gwen laughed as Jack slumped theatrically on the sofa in the canteen and declared himself undesirable.

"Look, I would shag you, no hesitation" Gwen crooned in a baby voice, "You are sooooo cute and fuckable Yeahhhhh"

"Fuck off"

"Come on, maybe we could try it? Like a Tarzan and Jane thing? I like Tarzan, you can swing off my bedpost anytime" she poked at him with a foot and he growled as he rolled away muttering that she was with Rhys and she knew he didn't cut another man's grass.

"I hate that phrase" she pouted.

.

.

.

.

.

"Come on Ianto" Tosh begged, "Please don't give up."

"Look, bar Uhura or Captain Kirk himself appearing in my bedroom buck naked covered in Tribbles I doubt very much these will ever get to see the light of day" Ianto sighed as he shoved another pair of sexy lace knickers into the box, "Thank the gods Rhiannon never found my little collection. All going to Oxfam. I give up."

"Captain Kirk?" she blinked, "Wait. A man? You were being serious about that?"

Ianto looked over at her as his hands found the string vest and he flicked that one back into the closet.

.

.

.

.

"Come on Jack" Gwen called out "We have another mugging downtown, fella's been shot apparently.

"Bang bang Partner" Jack drawled with a wink.

.

.

.

.

Ianto sat on the gurney and blinked as he wondered to himself where all the cowboys had gone, John Wayne would not have stood for this shit.

"How long before we can talk to him?" An American? Here in Cardiff?

Ianto opened his eyes and looked over at the man talking to the doctor just outside the curtain. As someone opened the ER doors a breeze whistled in, causing the curtains to sway, and Ianto got a good look at the man waiting to question him.

Tall, maybe even taller than him. Dark hair, spiky and straight. Clean cut and well-polished. The old WWII greatcoat set him apart. His boots were big and Ianto wondered … Stop it!

That don't impress me much!

Honest!

.

.

Right … onto the chapters that will deal with the above dates and their cringe worthy failures.


	2. the smartarse

"Seriously?" Owen asked with surprise, "I thought you two would hit it off no probs."

"He was such a know-it-all" Jack sighed "Would you believe he actually quoted fucking Shakespeare?"

"Really" Owen sighed as he shook his head, he worried that Jack would never find someone.

"Shakespeare" Jack repeated with horror, "Not exactly a cuddly thing either with that skinny body, that look of distain and this suit that was…was…. Gods. I can't stand someone who is a bloody walking factorum"

.

.

.

.

Jack shivered as he looked at the man seated opposite at the table, his suit so shiny it might have been something from the Hoodlum Quarter or something and Jack swallowed some more wine as the man sniffed at the cutlery and then motioned for the fork to be removed and replaced with something 'cleaner.'

"So" Jack finally decided to speak "You work in a book store?"

Gods he wished he had picked another question as he really didn't care to know the ins and outs of ordering a book online from the publisher, or the on-line books doing an honest man out of work blah blah. Ergh. A nerd.

I mean … it had started with the wine, the sniff as the bottle was rejected out of distain for the colour of the foil. The foil? What the fuck? Some waffle about years and different ribbons too but Jack really didn't care at this point, already knowing this was just gonna be a shit date anyway.

Some Welsh name he couldn't even remember as he nodded in the right places and wondered how long it would… he slid the phone out of his pocket and tried to covertly text Owen for help but then dropped it, leaning over to pick it up and getting a good look at the tenting in the man's pants …. Oh shit. Like … a pimple struggling for air. A mushroom about to nose it's way to freedom through the dirt of the shit coloured pants….ewwwwww …Jack sat up with wide eyes, grinning as he shakily said it must have worked its way out of his pocket, the boring one now starting on a rant about cell phones and testicular cancer from overindulgence in the pocket or some shit Jack nodded to as he poured himself another healthy helping of wine.

Fuck.

Shoot me now.

"So, what do you do for a crust?"

Finally a break in the conversation and Jack was happy he had been paying attention at that moment so he smiled "I'm a cop."

Now the silence seemed to draw as the man pursed his lips and blinked, "Like…. Heddlu?"

"Yeah, did some training over in America but when I came home I knew I had the qualifications…."

"Qualifications. You know, it's a myth about the drain of…."

And he was off again, Jack now poking at the shrimp cocktail with interest, taking a bite then chewing as he wondered about a case he and Gwen were poking around with. Then there was this … crunch and Jack spat out the mouthful with horror to look down at the shell. A snail. A tiny little snail had been in the salad and he had….

"Something is rotten in Denmark?" the man leaned forward and then grimaced, "Ew. Did you swallow any?"

Jack looked at him.

"No."

"Good, best you swill your mouth a bit…I mean … the goodnight kiss need not be slimy" the man grinned, "Mind you, with a mouth like that … John said you were….ah…talented."

Jack rose, opening his wallet and flicking some notes on the table, "That's my share. Dutch right?"

He left the restaurant with that sick feeling he had swallowed some, his mind playing tricks as that voice whispered that he might have swallowed while chewing, he did eat like a pig and the man called after him "Hey, we didn't exchange numbers."

Jack pulled the collar of his Great Coat up as he muttered, "Well thank fuck for something going right tonight."

He was going to kill John for setting this up, what the hell was he thinking? Welsh? Thin and weedy? A fucking nerd who quotes shit? Really?

Jack felt the burn as he stormed along the street.

"Funny John. Real funny you sick fuck." Jack snarled as he imagined slapping him silly for this deliberate attempt to piss him off "Some joke. I would never go for that type."

Not some…some… glorified librarian!


	3. Ianto's sex maniac

"So … what was wrong with this one then?" Tosh asked as she watched Ianto coo and cluck while he settled Walter on the sofa for a little sleep.

"Oh gods, date from hell!" Ianto sighed as he looked over at her with a roll of his eyes "I'm telling ya … so vain. Kept going to the loo and coming back with different hair styles, I shit you not little one, it was scary. A reflection in the pepper and salt shakers sent her into some sort of lovefest, I swear. She almost creamed herself when she saw herself in the glass windows as we rose to leave."

"Bum"

"Yeah, that wasn't much either" Ianto frowned then sighed, "I could never be with someone who checked out their own reflection in fucking windows. I almost put a towel in the seat before she got into the car for fear of her marking the leather. Must have been like a snail trail, I'm still too scared to look. I can't stand openly randy people."

.

.

.

Ianto was early, as always and had almost given up when she entered the restaurant. Now he saw why she had wanted to meet him there, the man dropping her off getting a quick kiss before she hoped out and yelled to him about a 'night with the girls' then waving him off.

He then watched her struggle with her rings, moving them about and he stifled a sigh as he wondered if one was a wedding ring, then he chastised himself knowing Tosh would not do that to him. He sat back so it was not obvious he had been watching and watched her enter, the fur coat flying from her shoulders to reveal the biggest pair of tits he had ever seen this side of a TV screen. He wondered if she needed tape to keep them in the low cut top she was wearing, then she leaned over and he got his answer as one bounced free.

Ianto blinked and looked away politely as she laughed and tucked it back in with its partner in crime then settled to grin at him, her lips a shocking pink. Bright like candyfloss.

Ianto smiled and signalled for the wine, then after a moment asked for a bourbon.

"Now you're talking" she slapped the table, "God. How much did that suit cost? You look like you know you way around the gym."

Ianto smiled softly.

"Oh wow, you are so…young. Are you legal?" she asked then laughed, flapping her hands as she looked at him again, "So. Dance?"

Ianto seemed unable to say no as he was yanked from his chair out to the dance floor where she ground against him copping a feel now and then, his horror compounded as the boner started and he tried to think of something to deflate it ….Hattie? Walter's nappy after he tried the banana and peach combo? Ah gods. He drank the one glass and then decided to switch to water. He had lost the buzz.

He was going to kill Tosh.

The woman was dirty dancing up him, slithering like some disgusting snail, then that image grew and he wondered if the perfume was masking … why the hell does he have to be so fixated with smell? Really? Gods!

They got back to their seat and she ordered mussels and oysters with a wink, "For you lover! You can … spear… some"

The wink was bad enough as she said the word spear but the tongue creeping out to lick her lips as her eyes slid down to the table, no doubt imagining the dick now resting against this thigh as it asked him with confusion what the hell it had woken up for.

Ianto tried to be polite but she became more drunk and… excitable as the night went on then he paid the bill while she was getting her coat and for a wild moment he envisaged himself doing a runner then knew he could never do that.

They got to the car and she stared at the solid Lincoln.

"I had you pegged as a convertible kinda guy" she said after a moment and Ianto pointed to the back seat where Walter's car seat sat patiently. His beloved Austin Martin Cherry in storage for now.

"I have a baby" he said as she looked confused, "I need a good strong car."

"Oh" she hoped in as he held the door for her, "Leather seats …ooooo… seat warmers?"

Ianto settled behind the wheel and made the mistake of glancing over in time to see her hands disappearing between her legs as she writhed and licked her lips some more "Just find us a dark alley lover, I will pay you for that lobster."

Ianto drove like the hounds of hell were after him, amazed that even in this state of shock he could remember the address Tosh had given as the woman's apartment building and she looked out the window with surprise as her own home came into view.

"Out" he barked then clambered out, rushed around and opened her door to look down at her, her legs open and … ewwwwwwwww….."OUT!"

She got out with a look of horror and turned to him, "I am not a cheap date ya know, others could have…"

"Husband" Ianto said and she spun with horror then confusion as she stared at the empty sidewalk devoid of the man she thought was bearing down on her to ask why a man was dropping her off and not the friend she had lied that she was meeting.

By the time she turned back, Ianto was gone in a squeal of rubber.

Nope.

Not into a sex maniac ta.


	4. Jack's Red Rabbit

I have an insane day ahead with a new job and still having to work out one of the others so it's a three job kinda day ... a good 12 hours worth. I am posting this early so I didn't run out of time in the morning ... I do not want you to miss

**,**

 

Jack watched her move towards him and finally felt the first butterflies as her long legs flashed out the side of the tight dress. Like Jessica Rabbit come to life and he shifted in the bar stool as she turned to let the doorman take her jacket, her shoulders wide and pale like the rest of her, apart from the wild red dress that screamed harlot.

Finally.

Jack was hopeful this one might bear fruit.

Then she was walking over and settling on the bar stool and crossing those fine legs, letting the dress fall to one side so they could enjoy some attention. The heels were killer and he looked at them with interest as he wondered if they were going to look as good around his ears, then he grinned as he moved closer, "Drink gorgeous?"

"Why yes please" came a breathy reply, her eyelashes fluttering coyly and for a moment he was struck dumb as she stared at him, her pouted lips inviting.

Wow.

They sipped their drinks and he glanced at her again, noting her strong hands, potters hands? Artist? Musician? He tries to pick her profession and then gave up, "I'm a Heddlu officer, Torchwood division."

He felt it best to get it out there first, give her the option of sharing or responding. She just hummed around the straw she was sucking in a decadent way and he was again entranced.

"Does that shade have name?" he blurted, then bushed, "Ah .. the lipstick. It's very pretty."

"Whore" came the simple reply "Whore Red. My favourite."

Jack was starting to notice something out the corner of his eye so he turned his head to see a man approaching with a look of thunder and in the distance a woman had just arrived in a two piece business suit a solid red, her eyes canning for someone …. Shit. Fuck.

Jack looked at the woman on the tool next to him again, "Emma?"

"No" she giggled, a high pitched one that turned into a squeak as she was yanked off the chair.

"So this is where you go? You put on your airs and graces and then slip over into shitville for a while? Is this him? This your casual fucktoy? Eh?" the man was snarling and Jack stood to defend her as her wrist twisted in the man's grip.

"Hang on a sec!" he barked as he went to step between them and the man swing to face him.

"Fuck off, you've have your last piece of arse off him, di ya hear me? And as for you Arthur, you are coming home this fucking instant and getting this dress off. Fuck knows what it cost me" the man was pulling her towards the other woman in red who was watching with a look of confusion.

Then Jack connected.

"Arthur?"

He tuned to follow, "Hang on, there has been a misunderstanding, hey"

They were out in the street as the man started to shove the woman towards a taxi and Jack watched her loose her footing and tumble to the ground with a sickening thud. "OI! No need for that shit!"

"Look mate, run. As fast as you can from this mess of mine. He will only mess with you and come home to me. He always comes home to me" the man sneered.

Now Jack understood and he shoved the man in the chest to get some room, "SHE is not your bloody possession. You need to calm the fuck down. We are not having some secret tryst. I am here waiting for a blind date. Was told she would wear red and was blonde. When Bunny sat down at the bar I thought it was her and struck up a conversation. We've never met, until now I sincerely thought she was all woman and there was no mention of extracurricular actives."

The man glared at Jack, then turned to her as she clambered to her feet, "This right?"

"I never saw him before, he called my Bunny for fucksake. You know my drag name is Connie" came the masculine voice full of hurt, "I told you I wanted to wear me new frock. You … you are such a bully sometimes Gordon."

Gordon sighed, pulling her close, "Sorry Arty. Fuck. Sorry love. You know how jealous I get."

"I know" cam a muffled reply as they embraced and Jack sighed stepping back to let them have their space then cursing as the woman in the red business suit slid into the taxi with a look of thunder.

Jack considered and went back to the bar.

At least the glass of booze was still happy to see him, as was the bartender who was now assured tips all evening.

Bummer.

Gods, was so well made up too.

Jack loved a man in a pretty frock.


	5. Black isn't a color anyway ...it's a tone

Ianto knew it was not going to work, watching the toffy faced pricks moving around the artworks as they talked shit about things they didn't understand. It was like they were speaking a foreign language he couldn't understand and that was a rarity given his ability to speak most. Lisa's photography was on display, was selling fast and he knew she would have been overjoyed but then again, dead artists do tend to sell more right?

Ianto sighed as he morosely looked for the date who had chosen this place to meet with total ignorance to what was on display and Ianto wondered why it had not been explained. Well, it was someone Rhiannon set up, was bound to be a halfwit with baby brain or something from her coffee group.

A woman was walking in a slow circle with her hands wringing and a stain on the hem of her skirt that endeared him to her for a moment, then she grabbed a cocktail sausage and crammed in on her gob like a three year old, had to be her right? Ianto sighed and started forward with a fake smile, "Hello there, are you Erin?"

"Ianto?" she said with relief, "God, all this black and white shit is doing me head in. Can we get a drink and find somewhere to sit?" she asked in a rush and Ianto winced at her crass mouth, then told himself to stop it as he had promised he would try harder to be receptive. She might just be nervous, right?

They found a seat and Ianto gave her the option of where to sit on it, then folded next to her as she looked appreciably at his long legs, "Rhiannon told me you were tall and a looker, she didn't say you were so …so …."

Ianto canted his head. Tall? Young? Polished?

"Uptight" she finished and he blinked, then watched her look around at the photos, "What do you think of this shite then? Look, black feet with painted toenails, the white feet with them…obviously meant to be an interracial couple or something. God, they ram it down our throats don't they?"

"They?"

"The blacks."

Ianto felt the air leave the room and he stared at her glass of wine like it might turn into poison, his stomach settling to a lump of lead. He wondered if there were hidden cameras and Ashton Kutcher was about to leap out for him to punch in the face or something.

"I mean…" she snorted, "They are taking our jobs, our single men… I can't get an apartment in the eastside because there are so many of them. It is like…an invasion of cockroaches."

Ianto blinked and took a deep breath, "Well. Interesting. You don't like blacks? What about when they have children? I mean … a cross breed. A black parent and a white parent?"

"Well they are still black then" she tossed her hair back as Ianto's eyes narrowed slightly, "any percentage of black blood makes them black. You know, I had a blood transfusion when I had my knee surgery and I was horrified thinking it might have been from a black, they told me it wasn't thank god."

Ianto stared at her like she was a bug "Actually …. They can't tell."

She blinked, "Really?"

"They don't mark the bags for that. No. Sorry, might have black blood in you. Does that mean you are black?" Ianto asked with wide eyes and enjoyed her blanch.

"Actually" Ianto rose gracefully to look down at her, "These are my wife's work. The black? That's her. I'm the white. Hated posing for them, even if it was just body parts, I did like cupping her tit in my hand though. So full of milk, our baby girl was almost born then…well. Lisa was killed two years ago. I have a son to her called Walter and he is definitely black. Given the love I have for her still, the piece of my heart she resides in … I think I must be black too. Given the fact you do not like 'those sorts' I think it best we call it an evening."

Ianto enjoyed walking away, spending another half hour walking around looking at pictures he hadn't seen in years, some of them when so young and foolish, so much hope. So much promise. The shot of her afro making him think of his little baby's fuzzy head and he found himself smiling softly as he let her go a tiny bit more. He didn't even see the bitch leave and knew he had some words for his sister next time they talked.

She really thought he needed that?

Gods.

Surely there was someone out there that did not see colour ... but a tiny heart needing filling?


	6. Jack's Bond Girl

"So?" John watched Jack stalk about his apartment like a caged animal.

"Well OK, it was a nice car, an Austin Martin like a James Bond thing … Jesus wept. I was scared to touch the bloody door handle for fear of marking it and I shit you not, she ran around rubbing it down once I got in."

"Woman likes cars, nice to see a woman having pride in her wheels" John said calmly as Jack turned to face him.

"John, come on. Can you imagine me with someone so stuck up that they love their vehicle? Give it a fucking name like a pet?" Jack snorted.

John grimaced.

He was never getting laid was he.

.

.

.

.

She was gorgeous, like movie screen temptress sort of gorgeous and Jack thought he was finally onto a winner. God, they must look sensational walking together and he glanced at the full-length mirror of the elevator to find she was doing the same thing, her elegant gown dropping off the shoulder to expose the soft white skin and her figure was flawless.

God, he was drooling.

He had also been pleased to find one that wanted to be met at her apartment door, not scared to show him where she lived and as she had slipped out the door he had caught a cat's face smooshed as it glared up at her in distain.

"Nice pussy"

Her laughter boomed in the small space as she swung to look at him, her high cheekbones giving off shadow that was photo worthy. Finally Jack felt like John had come through for him like a good friend should.

The elevator doors opened and she began to walk with confidence away from his vehicle as he hesitated then followed her as she called over her shoulder "You don't mind if I drive do you, lover?"

He found her in front of a low riding car that looked familiar, his mind trying to place where he has seen a silver bullet like this before then he blurted "James Bond."

She laughed again, her perfect throat exposed as he sighed happily, shit she was gorgeous. He reached for the door handle and she made a noise to stop him, then to his surprise she removed gloves from her little clutch and pulled them on before she touched the door, "Careful lover, watch those big paws of yours on poor wee Sheila."

"Sheila?"

"Yes, Silver Sheila" she said as she folded into the car and then reached down to hook off her shoes before she slid her long Lucious legs in… yeah Jack may have let his eyes and mind wander a bit but crashed back as she said "Don't forget your boots off. She has carpet."

He almost asked what sort of car didn't but instead he walked around and went to open his door only to have it fly open as she leaned across the seat, her breast squished into the soft leather as she grinned up at him then sat back as he now gingerly got in.

"It's new?" he asked looking ar the immaculate dash, the unmarked buttons and the protective plastic still over the front of the radio.

"About three years old now" she replied as she turned the key and then made a noise of glee, "perfect isn't she? Sheila is my pride and joy. Better than a child, she will never disappoint me."

She purred along as Jack blinked and tried to work out what she had just said looking over at her, "You have kids?"

"Had. Two. Horrible shits that preferred their father in the divorce. Gone. I prefer to tell people I don't have any. He can have them, fat little shits. They were never allowed in here of course. The nanny had a shitty people mover for them. God, horrible things, people movers mind you the kids were not exactly nice. Fat and needy. Should have traded them years ago." She was shouting over the wind as she sped along and Jack stared at her with horror as he took in the fact her baggage would probably need that people mover. Jesus.

He settled back with his hands clasped in his lap and looked around at the vehicle with its immaculate interior, the perfect paintjob gleaming with the street lights and her constant droning about how horrible her ex was, how fat and ugly the kids he had given her were and how happy she was now she was free to make her own choices.

"Yeah, it's all about choice" Jack agreed as they stopped at lights and he fumbled for the door handle, not caring how much he was smudging the chrome handles, "I choose to get out here. Goodnight Sheila… I mean Darla."

He was soon in the throng of party goers heading between pubs and he started to laugh as the absurdity of it all.

Imagine, someone so attached to a bloody car that they gave it a name, treated it special. And she had kids. God, way too much for him to take on.

Nope.

Not going there!


	7. Elvs and a Great Coat

"Come on, there has to be someone out there for you" Tosh argued as Rhiannon nodded her agreement, Walter sitting in her lap playing with her beads.

"Oh come on, they are either taken or gay" Ianto sighed, both women laughing at the way Ianto was glaring at the cup of tea he had just poured, "Maybe I should go to the dark side instead of just taking the shade now and then."

"Oh come on, the only fella you only had a thing for was Elvis!" Rhiannon laughed, "And he was bloody dead already. Necrophilia that is."

"Gay necrophilia, an entirely new level of hell for us darlink" Ianto camped as they all laughed at his silliness.

Ianto and his love of Elvis, especially that hip thrust.

.

* * *

"Come on" Rhiannon giggled, Show me."

Ianto rolled his eyes as he came out of the bedroom, her gasp of amusement not lost on him as he struck a pose.

"Gods, you look so silly" she chortled "But I am so glad you're going out."

"Are you sure he's OK?" Ianto sighed as he looked at the little one asleep in his bean bag, David sitting on the floor with a sandwich watching TV with the mindless gape of a little one. He smiled as he imagined Water doing that. Micha yelling upstairs in her room as Rhia ignored her.

"Ianto, this is your first party since… Walty was born. Go. Lear up" she pushed at him and he sighed.

"It's just something for the University, not like it's a hot date he smiled as he ran his hands over the sequined bodysuit, "Do you really think it looks OK?"

"Ianto, you look great!" she assured him again, "Come on. The taxi is coming up the street, bugger off and have a good time. Hey, might hook a lay?"

"The last thing I want is someone else in my life" he said shortly and she wondered if she had spoilt his mood, then he smiled again, "Love you Rhi-rhi."

"I love you too little brother" she crooned watching him race to the vehicle and wave, like when he used to catch the bus for school and she waved back then went in as her pamphlets called to be folded.

.

..

,

Ianto had known it was going to be boring but still … he knew the fancy dress would be good and some were fantastic although Alison from accounts dressed as Princess Leia in the Jubbah the Hut scenes was….no. Nope and erg. Then he saw the perfect outfit, the man laughing as he stood with another one, a soldier complete with Great Coat and Ianto started to walk over to ask if it was authentic but Kieran was there at his elbow asking if he could help with the food in the oven.

Ianto moved away but glanced back as the coat disappeared into the throng.

Gods, nice hand reaching around for the pocket, strong hands.

What?

Ianto blinked as he realised he had been checking the man out, hadn't done that in years.

He headed for the kitchen knowing he would probably never see the man again.

.

.

.

.

"Come on Jack, it's not that bad" Gwen laughed as Jack slumped theatrically on the sofa in the canteen and declared himself undesirable.

"Look, I would shag you, no hesitation" Gwen crooned in a baby voice, "You are sooooo cute and fuckable Yeahhhhh"

"Fuck off"

"Come on, maybe we could try it? Like a Tarzan and Jane thing? I like Tarzan, you can swing off my bedpost anytime" she poked at him with a foot and he growled as he rolled away muttering that she was with Rhys and she knew he didn't cut another man's grass.

"I hate that phrase" she pouted.

.

.

.Jack was fully aware of her interest in him, at the fancy dress party the other night he had been beyond surprised to see her there. The only reason he was there was because Owen had asked him for a ride and then suggested he join in. Trust Owen to be part of some nerd group but to Jack's surprise he had enjoyed himself with the colourful group of people and his great Coat had fitted right in.

He had noticed Elvis one part of it, in full gyration on the dance floor and he had laughed as he wondered if this guy knew how fuckable his arse looked in that bodysuit, shit. Jack had watched that arse pivot and been transfixed, then suddenly out of nowhere Gwen had appeared dressed as…. I don't know what. A call girl?

Jack had scanned the crowd but hadn't seen Elvis again, not until he was heading home in the back of the taxi did he wonder if the man had escaped to the kitchen.

Damn.

He would probably never see him again.


	8. and now at the end of all things...I mean....it begins

"Come on Ianto" Tosh begged, "Please don't give up."

"Look, bar Uhura or Captain Kirk himself appearing in my bedroom buck naked covered in Tribbles I doubt very much these will ever get to see the light of day" Ianto sighed as he shoved another pair of sexy lace knickers into the box, "Thank the gods Rhiannon never found my little collection. All going to Oxfam. I give up."

"Captain Kirk?" she blinked, "Wait. A man? You were being serious about that?"

Ianto looked over at her as his hands found the string vest and he flicked that one back into the closet.

Walter's laugher had him smiling as he headed into the other room to cuddle his little man, after all this was all he needed right?

Ianto decided to give up. Something he hated to do and was not part of his DNA but for Walter, he needed to focus on the important stuff.

Who knows.

His birthday coming up, maybe the Gods would be kind and at least give him a sunny day.

Right?

.

.

.

.

"Come on Jack" Gwen called out "We have another mugging downtown, fella's been shot apparently.

"Bang bang Partner" Jack drawled with a wink.

They drove like maniacs, always had and Jack glanced over at Gwen as he wondered how she was going to go with her new partner, the swap happening soon with his promotion. Not for the first time, Jack looked at her and wondered how things could have got to this point. Him, a bloody Adonis. Sex machine.

Not interested in the tail he was being offered left, right and centre.

Maybe Gwen was right, John was right and rat faced prick Owen was right. Maybe he needed to just let it happen. There were so many people in the world, surely there was one who could stand him for longer than a quick shag.

Right?

Jack sighed and knew he had to just give up and stop over thinking things. They don't make them like he wants, just isn't possible to get a complete package.

Not like one was gonna fall into his lap.

Right?

.

.

.

.

Ianto sat on the gurney and blinked as he wondered to himself where all the cowboys had gone, John Wayne would not have stood for this shit.

"How long before we can talk to him?" An American? Here in Cardiff?

Ianto opened his eyes and looked over at the man talking to the doctor just outside the curtain. As someone opened the ER doors a breeze whistled in, causing the curtains to sway, and Ianto got a good look at the man waiting to question him.

Tall, maybe even taller than him. Dark hair, spiky and straight. Clean cut and well-polished. The old WWII greatcoat set him apart. His boots were big and Ianto wondered … Stop it!

That don't impress me much!

Honest!

.

.

But of course we know it didn't end here at all. This was only the beginning and the gods finally managed to get the rhythm right.

And what a rhythm.

Hope you liked this little prequel … OK? Next is the new segment in Walter Verse called "Ianto's Babies" and yes...it starts tomorrow xxx


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